Two days ago, I hurt myself; someone stepped on my little toe, ouch… Here in Italy, it seems like nothing happens for no reason, so I trust that even this has a purpose. My initial reaction was to figure out how to solve it as quickly as possible, not wanting to be a burden and wanting to contribute to this place. But when I realized that resting was all I could do, I tried to surrender to that.
In the community where I currently live, I’ve taken few moments of rest since my arrival. Maybe it’s time for that now. I’m lying in bed with my leg up. On the first day, about 15 people came by, all asking if I needed anything, if I was okay, if I was hungry, and so on. It felt so heartwarming, as if I was being carried.
Yesterday, I went outside for a bit and was overwhelmed by a wave of joy and sorrow. The realization that I’ve had to do everything alone for so long; living and working. Since I was 19, I’ve lived alone in the Netherlands after my family moved back to Italy and France. Something probably hardened in me then, of “I can do it alone, I’ll prove it to… ”, even if this happened unconsciously. With the idea that “in the Netherlands, it should work out, the circumstances, the economy, there are plenty of opportunities.” But often it didn’t flow, and I felt a lot of loneliness and sadness. One of the beautiful things is that there has been a lot of space for friendships to develop; a beautiful circle of (mostly) women formed around me.
When I finally got into a relationship, it felt like a relief; I didn’t have to be alone anymore, it was together. Making plans for the future together, coming together, dreaming together. But when that relationship ended, it was a big blow. I had to be alone again. Fortunately, there were many dear friends around me who supported me through the various phases I went through. It was a deep search for my core.
I felt the urge to go to Italy and live in a community becoming stronger and stronger. And since I no longer had a home, it was an opportunity to try it out. Strange that what I desired the most scares me so much. Is there such a thing as fear of happiness? After years of hesitation, I dared to make the choice and left at the beginning of this month.
Now I’m here, in a community where we work together, where we all go through our own processes but also support each other. It’s certainly not always easy, because we’re all different, get triggered from time to time, and things come up, but it also feels like a beautiful moment to look at what’s still unresolved in me, otherwise it wouldn’t have been able to hurt me.
We meditate together, eat together, and all of that in a beautiful environment.
I cry from sadness to joy; this is it. No longer alone, but together. No longer surviving, but living. We are one together and don’t have to carry life alone, but we can celebrate it together.
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